Barnabas Ministries UK

Rev. E. Anderson

COMMITMENT

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die!  There’s no food!  No water!  We’re going to die!”

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand?!? We’re going to die!!”

The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000 a week.”

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make?!?  We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!”

The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!”

TODAY’S THOUGHT

Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

OPEN WINDOWS

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car engine shuts off, leaving the three engineers stranded by the side of the road.

All three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work?”

A STRANGE ORDER

A guest at a hotel restaurant called over the head waiter one morning and said, “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it’s runny, the other so overcooked that it’s about as easy to eat as rubber. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold, burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife, butter straight from the deep freeze that’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order, sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be a bit difficult.”

“But that’s exactly what you gave me yesterday.”

Rev. E. Anderson

HIDING IN THE WRONG PLACE

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.

Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

TODAY’S THOUGHT :Success comes in cans; failure comes in can’ts.

A RIB TICKLER

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny what’s the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

TODAY’S THOUGHT: 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

·          A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

·          A clenched fist produces anger; an open hand produces harmony.

·          A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail

Rev. E. Anderson

HIDING IN THE WRONG PLACE

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.

Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

today’s thought :

Success comes in cans; failure comes in can’ts.

A RIB TICKLER

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny what’s the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

today’s thought:

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

·          A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

·           A clenched fist produces anger; an open hand produces harmony.

·          A closed mouth gathers no foot.

·           A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

·          A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn’t its real name - just a pen name.

Rev. E. Anderson

OPEN WINDOWS

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car engine shuts off, leaving the three engineers stranded by the side of the road.

All three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work?”

A STRANGE ORDER

A guest at a hotel restaurant called over the head waiter one morning and said, “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it’s runny, the other so overcooked that it’s about as easy to eat as rubber. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold, burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife, butter straight from the deep freeze that’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order, sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be a bit difficult.”

“But that’s exactly what you gave me yesterday.”

QUITE AN ANSWER

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. “Now,” said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?” A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she said, “To make the gravy!”

Rev. E. Anderson

Humorous Tales

When the grandmother returned from the supermarket, her small grandson pulled out the box of animal biscuits he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped biscuits all over the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” his grandmother asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

In the supermarket was a man pushing a trolley that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your grandson Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly housebound people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walking frames and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

Rev. E. Anderson

Humorous Tales 

Sorrowful Regret

A woman was taking a shortcut through a cemetery when she spotted a man sobbing uncontrollably beside a grave.

‘Why did you have to die and go?’ he cried. ‘Why? Oh why?’

The woman put a comforting hand on his shoulder. ‘I don’t to wish to intrude on your grief, but I’m sorry for your loss. Is this your wife’s grave?’

‘No’ sniffled the man. ‘It is my wife’s first husband’.

Advice

A man went to the police station to report that he suspected his wife was trying to poison him.

‘Are you sure?’ asked the officer.

‘Absolutely,’ said the man. ‘I am convinced that she’s poisoning me. The thing is, what should I do?’

The officer said, ‘Don’t do anything just yet, but stay vigilant. Watch what you eat and drink. In the meantime, I’ll talk to her and try and find out whether you your fears are justified. I’ll get back to you’.

A week later, the police officer called the man and said: ‘Well, I spoke to your wife. I talked to her on the phone for three hours. Then she came down to the station and talked for another five hours. You want my advice?’

‘Yes,’ said the man anxiously.

‘Take the poison’.

Magic

On the honeymoon night, the husband was surprised and a little disappointed to see his wife gazing out of the window.

‘Aren’t you coming to bed, honey?’ he asked.

‘No,’ she said dreamily. ‘My mother told me this would be the most magical night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it’.

Rev. E. Anderson

Humorous Tales

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. “Now,” said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?” A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she said, “To make the gravy!”

LOT’S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole”.

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”  “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms”.

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out – “Aces!”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn it. Little Bobby was excited about the task — but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd and that’s all I need to know.”

Rev. E. Anderson

Humorous Factors

A man was talking to God and he asks God, “God, since you made everything, what is money to you?” God answered, “Well, one million dollars to you would be one penny to me.” The man thinks and asks, “God, since you have been around forever, what is time to you?” God replies, “Well my son, one second to me would be one million years to you.” The man thinks some more and asks, “God, can I have a penny?” God replies, “In a second.”

Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, the son of Nun.

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jacque who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a little bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a diocese decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jacque put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jacque was up on the scaffolding, painting away. The job was nearly completed when, suddenly, there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky seemed to open and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church. Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck and knocked Jacque for a loop. He flew from the scaffold landing, landing on the lawn, amongst the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jacque was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: “O God! Forgive me for all the wrong I have done! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…. “Repaint! And thin no more!”

A guy breaks into a house and is creeping across the pitch black living room when he hears a voice, “WATCH OUT, Jesus is behind you!” Startled he flicks on his flashlight and breathes a sigh of relief to see a parrot in front of him. Again the parrot says “Watch Out Jesus is behind you.” The robber says to the parrot, “What’s your name then?” and the parrot replies “Moses.” The robber laughs and says, “Who on earth would call a parrot Moses?!” and the parrot says, “the same one that would call a rottweiler Jesus!”

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.” God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay,great!” “But,” God added, “we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.” The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

A lady was asking God how long she had to live one day. “40 more years,” said God. The lady was so happy, she went out and had plastic surgery done to her face. On the way home, she got hit by a bus. “You said I had 40 more years,” she complained. “Sorry,” said God, “but since you had plastic surgery, I didn’t reconize you!”

A rich, Christian man was talking to God, “Can’t I take it with me when I go?” God always answered the same way, “NO!” Finally one day the man talked God into it and God said, “Okay you can take two suitcases full of anything you want.” The man filled up two suitcases full of gold. When the rich man reached the pearly gates St. Peter asked the rich man why he had two suitcases. The rich man said, “It’s okay I’ve already cleared it with God.” St. Peter asked him to open the suitcases, when the rich man opened the suitcase, St. Peter said, “Why’d you bring paving?”

One Sunday, a pastor exhorted about I Corinthians 13. The congregation loved it so much because everyone can easily relate to the topic. The pastor said, “Next Sunday I will preach about lying, and I want you to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark.” The other Sunday, the pastor asked the congregation, “Who among you read Mark chapter 17? Half of the congregation raised their hands. Others said “AMEN!” The pastor paused then remarked, “Now I will begin my teaching about lying, Mark has only 16 chapters.”

Rev. E. Anderson

HUMOROUS FACTORS

Did you hear about the florist who had two children? One’s a budding genius and the other’s a blooming idiot.

1^st Undertaker: ‘I’ve just been given the sack’.

2^nd Undertaker: ‘Why?’

1^st Undertaker: ‘I buried someone in the wrong place’.

2^nd Undertaker: ‘That was a grave mistake’.

Why do barbers make good drivers? Because they know all the short cuts.

What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.

Sign on the school notice board: Guitar for sale, cheap, no strings attached.

Sign outside the school caretaker’s hut: Will the person who took my ladder please return it, or further steps will be taken.

Two fishermen were out in their boat one day when a hand appeared in the ocean. ‘What’s that?’ asked the first fisherman. ‘It looks as if someone is drowning!’  ‘Nonsense’, said the second. ‘It was just a little wave’.

What happened to Ray when a ten-ton truck ran over him?  He became X-Ray.

Rev. E. Anderson

HUMOUR – MARRIAGE

At a Wedding Anniversary dinner to celebrate 37 years of married life the man replying to the toast told his audience that he and his wife had made a ‘NARGAIN’ right at the beginning.

It was that she could make all all the small decisions, but if a big problem arose she would agree that he should make the decision.

 Just imagine he said how fortunate we have been in all our married life, - that even after 37 years we have never had to make a big decision yet!

Mary to her fiancé,  John, ‘Wouldn’t it  be lovely if we could bring my mother on our honeymoon trip to Kenya on Safari’.

John, ‘Yes dear, that would be just lovely!’. During the night on safari they heard an ENORMOUS ROAR and looking out they saw twenty paces away from mother , who because of the heat had taken a walk from her little tent,

A LION, TAIL TWITCHING ETC. – READY TO ‘POUNCE’.

Mary, ‘Oh John darling – YOU MUST DO SOMETHING’.

John, ‘Its all right dear, the lion has got himself into this fix, let him get out of it’.

FLYING SAUCERS

Two men were discussing the possibility of Flying Saucers and after a short discussion, Bill said, ‘Oh yes, I believe in Flying Saucers, but I didn’t think about them nor experience it until after I go it married.

WISE BEYOND HIS YEARS

A young clergyman, fresh out of training, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.