Facing up to Bereavement

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                         Rev. David Womersley

FACING UP TO BEREAVEMEN 

No. 7  FEELINGS OF GUILT 

A friend of the family, a retired doctor, said to me: “Are you going to mention guilt? This is something bereaved people olden have to contend with.

l thought about that. l realised l had sometimes said to myself: “lf only…” not realising it was actually guilt.

I did frequently think: “If only l had pressed her doctor more!” It was obvious that my wife was not getting any better but the doctor dismissed it by saying her symptoms pointed to the illness she was being treated for and increasing the medication would do the trick. She told us to come back and see her in six week but in less than four weeks, she was gone! By the time l did insist, it was already too late – nothing could be done.

Bronwen sometimes complained that l spent all my time in my study and rarely went to sit with her in the sitting room unless it was the news! l did not think much of it at the time as she was always busy: studying God’s word, reading, sewing, painting, writing. But now l often think: “If only l had left my work for at least an hour and spent the time with her. She loved a discussion. l realise that she gave the appearance of being self sufficient but underneath, she could be sensitive and vulnerable.

l know Bronwen did not like it when I would leave her every second year for three months, and once for four months, to go to Congo and Zambia. Could I have planned that differently? If only . . . .

She liked an excuse to dress up and could look very smart. lf only l had told her how great she looked! As a Yorkshireman l am not very demonstrative – but that is no excuse. l have a friend who tells his wife every day how wonderful the meal was. l have always felt that was overdoing it, the impact was lost. Under-doing it is worse! l rarely told her how delicious I had found the food. She didn’t like cooking but spent hours when we had visitors, which was frequent, doing a really splendid meal. lf only . . . .

She sometimes grumbled that l didn’t appreciate the Christmas or birthday presents she gave me. “I haven’t seen you in that cardigan recently. . . .! ”l am wearing them now and they bring back memories and my eyes water, especially if it is something she knitted.

Looking back, I realise l took so much for granted. l could have been a lot more considerate. If only . . . . . but, of course, it is too late for that. l can’t ask her to forgive me but l do try and show my son appreciation for all the many things he does for me. Any who are reading this and are not yet bereaved, you know what to do about it!

We can always ask the Lord to forgive. At such moments He does come near. As James says: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you”.

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Word Studies

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                              Rev. K. W. Munday

VOTING

Voting is denied in the dictionary as ‘the expression of one’s support or opinion’. lt is sometimes used in conversation when we state our agreement with someone. ‘He gets my vote every time’. But usually voting is done in an social way, indicated either by ballot paper or the showing of hands.

Democracies are very proud of the voting system. It is generally considered to be the fairest way of reaching important decisions. The late Sir Winston Churchill who had a very dry sense of humour actually said that democracy was the worst form of government, adding apart from all the others! He made his point.

In Britain we can vote for our local and national governments, and then we can only watch how they behave, but we must wait for the next election to express our opinion again.

In Switzerland, the administration is divided into cantons, and they can decide locally what they want. For instance if the government want to put a motor-way across their territory, a local referendum is taken and the decision is final. That is an example of bringing democracy down to the grass roots. The citizens value their vote and respond accordingly.

Voting generally is conducted under various conditions, which are clearly indicated to the electorate. Some call for a 2/3rd majority, some just a simple majority where 51 out of a 100 secure the decision. Others operate a proportional representation system where the candidates get a more equal opportunity.

lf asked whether there are any laws in the voting system, the answer is certainly YES. The basic principle could be challenged on moral grounds to start with. Just because more people vote for something does that automatically make it right? A vote can also be affected by others through strong canvassing, persuasion or even bribery! Another weakness is that everyone has a vote despite their intelligence or knowledge of affairs. The late George Bernard Shaw the Irish playwright said, ‘Votes are counted of the heads despite what is in them!’

And of course the biggest flaw of all is occasioned by the state of the nation. Christian values are marginalised, and the vacuum is being bled with other ideologies. How right was G.K. Chesterton as he wrote, ‘When a nation ceases to believe in God it doesn’t believe in nothing, it believes in anything’. So this mixture of anythings finds its way on to the statute book and the law is fixed.

Godless communism got us nowhere and Godless capitalism has run into difficulties, but we can all do something about a Godless democracy . . . ,if we want to!

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Illustrious Ministers of the Past

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                                  General William Booth

This month be encouraged by an inspiring letter sent out from Salvation Army founder William Booth to his fellow comrades.

Everyone knows that on going into the battle of Trafalgar, Lord Nelson hoisted at his mast head the signal, ‘England expects every man to do his duty’. That sentence has been memorable ever since.

Duty is a good old English word. I like it very much. It is so expressive and so well understood by young and old, rich and poor, saint and sinner alike. Who is there that does not know what is meant by doing his duty?

Duty signifies neither more nor less than doing what you feel you ought to do, and leaving undone what you know you ought to do.

It means a sinner giving up his sins, a drunkard renouncing his drink, a swindler abandoning his cheating, a liar forswearing his falsehood, and that forever and ever.

Have you, my comrades; put away from you every evil habit? If not, that is what God requires from you at this very moment. Will you not do your duty?

It may apply to a saint placing himself and all he possesses at the service of his Saviour. Have you done that? If not, you cannot truthfully say that you have done your duty. It may apply to a soldier offering himself to be an officer, or to fill any other post for which he may be thought best qualified in the Army; being ready and willing to fight at that post to his dying day. What are you called to? Will you do your duty?

The word duty may apply to something which is more or less the act of the hour, such as the reading of your Bible, praying in your family, speaking to someone about his soul, going to the open air, giving money to feed the poor, wearing uniform or the like. When the call comes to you for any of these things, you must do your duty.

Now, the first thing a soldier has to do what appears to be his duty is to give himself up to his performance, whatever the consequences.

When duty presents itself, comrades, do not stop to enquire about your ability or worthiness to perform the task. All you want to know about it is, “Is it my duty?”

Do not stop to consult your feelings. They will possibly, very likely, be in direct opposition, both to your judgment and your conscience. Simply ask, “Is it my duty?”

When you pray, when you sing, when you suffer without complaining, when you carry one another’s burdens, when you warn sinners, when you give your money; in short, wherever you do any act, you say by your action to those round, “Go, and do likewise. Do your duty! Do your duty!”

If death overtook you, my comrades, tonight, would you be able to say, “Husband, wife, kiss me, I am leaving you, but I am satisfied. Thank God, I have done my duty!

“Father, mother, children, kiss me. I have loved your souls, and toiled for your salvation. Thank God, I have done my duty!”

“Brother, sister, master, servant, kiss me. I have tried to bless you. I am satisfied. Thank God, I have done my duty!”

Would you be able to say this? And when, at the judgment seat, you meet those dear ones again, and the poor sinners who now live around about you, speeding on their way to the land of misery and despair, will you be able to say to them, “I knew you on earth; I loved you; I prayed for you; and in trying to save you I did my duty”.

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